4 Myths About Adopting Babies in the Philippines

As I write this, my 10-year-old son is in his Grade 5 classroom. I work in his school as a guidance counselor, and half an hour ago he nearly broke down the door trying to ask if he could treat his classmate to a snack. I was in a meeting, so he didn’t get permission until later when he got both permission and a scolding.

The door is still intact. 

We’ve known each other for almost 1 year and 2 months. I adopted him when he was 9.

Choosing to adopt older children is uncommon here in the Philippines. In fact, any child above the age of 3 is generally considered “unadoptable” (based on 2017 DSWD statistics). Most parents prefer to adopt anywhere between a newborn to 2 years old. 

For parents like myself, who choose to adopt older children, we often receive a whole collection of negative responses. Many of them, if not most of these responses, are myths. 

Let’s tackle some of the most common myths about adopting babies. 

Myth #1: Newborn babies are blank pages

In the Philippines, families are strongly discouraged from taking babies in without going through legal procedures. Child trafficking is so widespread that it puts the babies at very great risk.

Despite that, many Filipino families would prefer to take in a newborn baby because of the myth that the baby is a blank page. 

No baby is a blank page. From the moment of conception, their birth mother’s blood flows through their veins, and their nutrients build the baby’s body. As their brains develop, they absorb even the joys, fears, happinesses, and stressors of the mother. 

Until the moment of birth, they are designed to communicate perfectly with only one person on earth: their biological mother. What does this mean? Even if a newborn’s golden hour (first hour after birth) is spent with the adoptive mom, there will be a sense of loss. 

If you’re an adoptive parent of a newborn, our job is to assure them that even if there is a loss, there is someone who is with them—who will not leave. 

Practical Approaches

• Play peekaboo as often as you can. This builds “object constancy”: the knowledge that you are there even when they can’t see you. 

• Make all kinds of faces at the baby, especially if they spent some time in an institution. This activates the nerves and muscles in their faces and helps them explore a wide range of emotions. 

Further resources: A TED Talk on peekaboo

Myth #2: You can shape a baby’s personality

As parents of twins surely know, you don’t shape personalities, you discover them. This is true for both biological and adoptive children. 

In fact, what’s really happening for babies is that they do have their own personalities, but no voices or motor skills to act upon them. By the time they get older, they know which aspects of their personalities fit in with their family culture, and which ones don’t. They can then act accordingly. This is true for even healthy families. 

Adoptive older children, on the other hand, have the words and motor skills to act upon their personalities. For parents adopting older children, it just means we discover their personalities through their words and actions. We also get the privilege of hearing them, or helping them, speak for themselves. 

Practical Approaches

• Respond like you were meeting a new friend. Learn what they like and don’t like. See what interests you share. Note their triggers.

• Depending on their upbringing, they may not use language or words in the same way that you do. Spend time understanding how they communicate.  

Myth #3: Adoptive babies are less at risk of developing “special needs”

The myth of adopting babies and toddlers starts with the phrase, “If we catch them early enough…” 

It is true that if we catch our children’s needs early enough, we can intervene early enough to support them in the right way. But this is not an adoptive or biological issue, it’s simply a call for early intervention.

However, let’s talk about the unique needs of our adoptive children. The truth is, if there was no tragedy in their background, our children would not need adoption. They would be with their biological families in a safe and loving environment. 

Since they are with us, we will see greater levels of connection-seeking behavior as they make sense of, and integrate, their unique histories. Connection-seeking behavior can look like disobedience, rebellion, meltdowns, clinginess. When we interpret it properly, we can meet needs before the behavior harms them or others. 

Practical Approaches

• If you’re adopting an older child, make sure you read their psychological evaluation before confirming acceptance of the match. 

• For any age of child, assume they need a developmental assessment. At the very least, since those can be hard to schedule, get a baseline report from an occupational therapist.

• Intervention is important, but connection is key. The better your connection with your child, the more likely all interventions will succeed. 

Myth #4: Adoption telling is not as important

A mother planning to adopt once asked me, “If I get the baby before they know they’re adopted, can I just not tell them? Then they will always think they are part of our family.”

There are two answers to this question. The first is that, by law (Republic Act 11642), all adoptive parents must tell their children about their adoption story before they reach adolescence. It is a part of their story, and they are entitled to it. 

The second is that an adoptive child may not be able to rationalize until they are 3 years old, but they will always know that something is different. It becomes a missing piece, and knowing their story in a warm, compassionate, and empowering way will help them integrate their past and decide how they want to move forward. 

Practical Approaches

• Older children don’t need to be told they are adopted, but they do need their story reframed with love and respect towards their biological family.

• Newborns and babies need to know before they can understand, and the knowledge will simply become a unique marker of their story. 

Be Equipped To Raise Stronger Families and Stronger Generations

Generations Home conducts equipping seminars for families who want to learn more about trauma-informed, trust-based parenting for children, especially for adoptive and foster families. To know more or bring a training to your community, email connect@generationshome.org.

Esther Elizabeth Suson is the Manager of Corporate Communications with Generations Home, and a play therapist and guidance counselor with Bright Light Learning Academy, the second Inclusive Learning Resource Center in the Philippines. She is also a PhD candidate for Christian Clinical Counseling at the Biblical Seminary of the Philippines. In 2024, she adopted a 9-year-old son as a single parent and looks forward to growing her family in the future.